


Selfishness of Sin

by magic



Category: Shin Sekai Yori
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-19
Updated: 2012-11-19
Packaged: 2017-11-19 01:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/567266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magic/pseuds/magic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It can't matter how much Satoru cares for him, because Shun doesn't belong to himself. He belongs to those thoughts, and what they'll lead him to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Selfishness of Sin

**Author's Note:**

> this is mostly an attempt to give more depth to the pairing than we saw in the show. only based on the anime since i haven't read the novel, all of this is pure speculation. comments/kudos are greatly appreciated!

There's times that he wakes and he can still feel the words on the tip of his tongue from when he'd read them aloud for the class off the pages of a book, more of a dream than it could ever be now. 

_Solitude became his only companion, his interlocutor._

Shun lets his neck roll, cracking it and feeling the release of pressure before his eyes finally rest on Satoru's sleeping form next to him. He wonders how it's possible to feel so far away from someone lying beside him, as his fingers trace the other boy's lips, pausing only when he feels his boyfriend's breathing still. Shun doesn't want him awake yet, doesn't want to have to say or act a certain way or even let go of the thoughts that seem to run through his veins as easily as his cursed power.

"That solitude nursed the seed," he mouths, no sound coming from his lips as he recites the words, his fingers moving lazily against Satoru's collarbone, before letting his palm rest on the other boy's heart. 

"The sins were allowed to grow rampant in his thoughts." Shun knows it's selfish, to feel comforted by the steady rhythm of it. But he closes his eyes, and tries to think of nothing but the pulse underneath his fingers, the warmth of him, and how Satoru's just as real as anything going through his head. At least for now.

They'd talked about the time they were apart, during the ill fated summer camp two years ago. In detail, rather than the rushed explanation Shun had first had when they'd gotten into their canoes and paddled with aching arms, scared. He's sure that he's the only one Satoru has told about the thrill of it, of having his cursed power back and using it again and again in a battle with bakenezumi that he couldn't let himself back out of. They'd been kissing in between the talk, pressed against each other and cheeks reddened and lips moving more harshly than ever before. Satoru had told him everything in a hushed whisper, something intimate and just between them. He'd felt it, he said. Every part of him thriving off the cursed power and how _alive_ it had made him feel.

Shun had wanted to whisper back to him that he still felt that way to this day, ever growing, and that he always will. And it wasn't even him in the forest setting trees alight and killing an army. He'd wanted to kiss him back with even more desire - enough to bite lips, taste blood, leave marks. He hadn't, because somewhere in between Satoru had mentioned Saki's name, and how she was the one that had told him how different he'd been acting, and then going on to say how painful it was to use almost all his cursed power. Shun never cared for the rest of the details. He'd continued on with the fervent kissing even if his heart was no longer in it, his mind otherwise going blank as he thought about how he'd promised himself he'd no longer think of Saki unless absolutely necessary, and that he couldn't tell Satoru about his sinful thoughts because all that feeling had been to Satoru was a fever dream. A feeling that had only happened once and never would again, not for him, not something they shared. So Shun had let his hands tangle in Satoru's hair, and let his hips rut against the other boy's as he realized just how alone he was, and that this wouldn't last much longer. 

It can't matter how much Satoru cares for him, because Shun doesn't belong to himself. He belongs to those thoughts, and what they'll lead him to.

Shun tilts his head, his hand still on Satoru's chest as the other boy stirs and blinks, his eyes opening sleepily and with a smile on his face as he meets Shun's eyes. As much as Shun knows himself to be sinful and broken and wrong, his heart still clenches at the sight and he commits the image before him to his memory, as detailed as possible for when he won't have it. He can't truly belong to Satoru, or anyone else for that matter, but he still wishes. Especially with that smile.

"Good morning," he says, returning the smile back and becoming a different person, the person Satoru thinks he is, and attempting to leave his darker self behind him for at least the time being. 

"Sleep well?" he asks, and his mind is still buzzing with the passage from the book, the words and fate Shun won't ever be rid of no matter how much he struggles.

Satoru pushes himself up to lean in for a kiss, his hand moving so naturally to fit around the base of Shun's neck, his lips moving slow and lazy like they have all the time in the world to kiss like this. Shun smiles in spite of himself, his tongue moving in time with the other boy's and easing into the role he plays, and even enjoys. Because he has this, and he'll be selfish and let himself be loved by Satoru. 

"I'm in your bed and you were already touching me," Satoru says as he pulls away, tongue darting out to Shun's bottom lip. He grins, that lovable and earnest grin he has as he adds, "What do you think?"

Shun laughs quietly as he pushes him down, straddling him and continues to kiss him because that's easier than talking. He can do this much, at least. Have this much.

It doesn't stop his brain from finishing the passage, words ringing clear. 

_No longer human. The karma demon realized he shouldn't exist in this world. Karma demons should not exist in this world. When he became aware of that, he quietly walked away._

He knows he doesn't have much longer. So he deepens the kiss as his hand moves back to where Satoru's heart lies, and lets the steady beat of it pull him back to where it's safe.


End file.
